Keeping Up My Spirits (and Sanity)

Hey friends, how are y’all holding up with social distancing/quarantine?

I’ve been trying to keep myself busy while in the apartment most of the time – with Hobby Lobby closed, I really can’t work on any skull projects right now, nor can I hit the gym, and it’s a bit rough because I get bored so easily – so I clean the apartment every morning and am trying new recipes and such, and I’ve been browsing Pinterest for interesting ideas. I’ve also started playing World of Warcraft again (after, like, a 6 year hiatus) – that’s right, I’m a bit of a gamer (although not a very intense one at that!).

Outfits

I adored this dress, but I had to exchange it for an x-small … it’s a much better fit now!

For our 8th anniversary, Luke let me buy this dress – I hope it’s not too sheer, and the only size left was a small, so I’m hoping it works out!

Eats and On Drinking

I’ve stopped drinking alcohol – my drinking was getting a little out of control (mainly out of boredom), and since I’m trying to better myself (especially quell any eating disordered behaviors which alcohol actually can full), I need to change that part of my lifestyle.

Critters

Scotch has been beyond THRILLED that I’m home right now – we go on long walks almost everyday.


We also have lots of cuddle time!

The cats really couldn’t care less, ha! They laze around as per usual

Til Soon,

~ M

 

 

Finding Hope in the Uncertainty

Heya friends, I’m dealing with some depression and uncertainty right now – I mean, c’mon, I’m dealing with a lot of emotional and mental stress, so naturally I’m going to have some depressed moods. I’ve applied for unemployment, I’m unsure about the process (although I am very lucky that my Dad’s girlfriend works in unemployment and said she’d be on hand to help me), and I’m simultaneously dealing with ED recovery and stability.

I am, however, trying to keep my hopes up – I have a lot to be grateful for right now too. I’m grateful for ED recovery, I’m grateful that I’m pooping again (TMI, perhaps, but if you read my blog, then this should be no surprise!), I’m grateful that my husband still has a job, I’m grateful that I have the option of unemployment, and, as a bonus, my husband and I should be completely debt free in about two and a half years if all goes correctly. I am a blessed girl in many ways, and I believe that God will take care of us (He already is).

Breakfast today was a three egg and cheese tortilla (eggs shared with Scotch) with habanero salsa.

A bite of spaghetti for lunch! It’s the same as I made last night, completely homemade. I didn’t eat a ton as I wasn’t starving, but I had enough to hold me over.

Since I had a small lunch, I wanted a snack around 3 – I made some deer sausage, cheese, crackers, and dipped them in honey mustard.

I insisted that we go grab some fresh veggies, so we ran to United …

I made a cruditรฉ platter before dinner ….

And shenanigans ensued with the Toot on the patio ……

We had fried venison back strap and gravy for dinner – Luke, who needs a haircut, put on one of my headbands and made dinner!

Delicious!

Til Soon!

~ M

Plugging Along

4/5/20

We had plenty of cuddles on Sunday morning with the pupper.

Breakfast was Chobani Greek yogurt (1 C) with a banana and some honey.

I was pretty hungry for lunch around 12, so I opened some Caesar salad mix, fried a few pieces of deer sausages, and fried an egg. This meal was exactly what I needed to fill me up.

Around 2, I started fretting over dinner. It seemed difficult and overwhelming to think about – Luke said not to worry about it, but when you’re mind automatically goes to food, it can be rough …. Luke suggested we take Scotch on a long walk, so we did, and that helped calm my brain (along with a klonopin).

Persephone was being extra comfortable and cuddly on this afternoon – here she is nesting against Luke and making little biscuits on his arm.

We had chips and queso as a snack before dinner ….

And burgers were for dinner (we had the stuff to make them, so that’s what we had!).

My OOTD for Sunday

4/6/20

I slept in incredibly late today, so my breakfast occurred at about 11:45 after I did some cleaning. I had avocado toast with a slice of tomato, two eggs, and some habanero salsa.

Lunch was a Caesar salad with chicken.

And dinner was more chicken with potatoes and broccoli with bleu cheese dressing.

4/7/20

More Scotch snuggles in the morning! Despite being on unemployment (aka bored af), I’m grateful for the time I have to cuddle with my baby and to work on myself!

Breakfast – two eggs on toast with butter and jelly.

Persephone made a nest in our clothes basket ….. silly kitty!

And I’m so glad that Luke’s work is providing him with masks and gloves! SO GRATEFUL they’re protecting their employees as best they can!

#handsomedude

For lunch, Luke and I did something different – we hit up the Golden Light Cafe food truck and had burgers and fries. SO GOOD, y’all! And the Cafe is a historic building on Route 66!

Dinner was spaghetti, simple and good.

Til Soon,

~ M

The Unsavory Parts of Recovery

At this point into my recovery, I’m dealing with some uncomfortable side effects. Think that once you start eating again regularly, your mental health and bodily functions will be all hunky-dory? Think again, my friends.

First of all, there’s the BLOATING. Your tummy and gut bloat up like a giant balloon (seriously, sometimes you look and feel preggo). It’s not an attractive feeling, and this may affect you mentally. Ironically, breaking the cycle of bulimia and anorexia IS a very mental thing (just as it is physiologically) as you feel less than glamorous at times due to your body’s responses to adjusting to newfound food.

This also goes along with the infrequent bowel movements if you’re extra unlucky (see: Mandy) – your digestive system has to re-learn how to digest food again, and being able to take a shit becomes a popular topic of interest (sorry, Luke). You might not poop for days on end, it’s a fact. But eventually, you WILL poop. And it’s a fantastic feeling when you finally do!

There’s also the passing of the STINKY gas …. I’m talking some embarrassingly ripe stuff. I find that it’s especially rampant if you’ve struggled with bulimia. Yeah, it’s awkward af when you’re in a gas station or somewhere busy, and you just have to let one rip. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

The acid reflux isn’t fun either – it’s painful af at times.

Exhaustion is also part of the process – the exhaustion of your system re-learning how to adjust to food both physically and mentally. You might find yourself becoming a bit more depressed than usual if you struggle with bipolar I like I do, you may cry and have mood swings as well.

Despite these unsavory side effects, however, you’re doing your body and your life good! ๐Ÿ™‚ You just have to take them in stride and even find humor in some situations (“Mandy, did you fart?” “WHY YES I DID, LUKE, IT’S MY LOVE LANGUAGE NOW TO YOU!”)

And as I reiterated in my last post, it’s important to have a support system – I’m talking counselors, physicians, spouses, parents, siblings, close friends – people who you can talk to about how you’re doing, your struggles, etc. I’m so lucky to have a husband who gets me, who wants to hear about my issues, who wants to encourage me and tell me things will be okay if I just stick with it.

A few nights ago, for instance, I felt full. This should sound simple enough, but for me, it felt like an uncomfortable nightmare, and I wanted to throw up SO BADLY as I’m just not used to feeling full and felt in distress. I told Luke about my negative urge, and he reassured me that being full is not a bad thing at all, that I had a healthy dinner which was a good portion size, and this helped me work through my urge to indulge in a bad behavior.

Breakfast yesterday was three scrambled eggs, cheese, two slices of bacon, and some leftover pinto beans with habanero salsa around 7.

Luke was hungry after work, so we made hamburgers around 2 o’clock – mine had American cheese, bacon, a bit of red onion, avocado, tomato, and some ketchup! SO GOOD!

I wasn’t very hungry for dinner, so I simply skipped it. My lunch was late and giant, and around 7:30, I just wanted to go to bed.

Today’s breakfast was two eggs on toast with a bit of butter and jelly. It’s a go-to of mine.

Lunch was around 12:30 – I assembled a salad with a ton of goodies on it, such as a little unused spaghetti sauce and tortilla chips. It was very filling, and tasty ….. however ….

I developed bad acid reflux after this lunch and into the early evening – I asked Luke to be in charge of dinner since I just couldn’t stand the thought of food, especially acidic stuff (i.e. tomato sauce) or even vegetables (boo). I had some peppermint tea with a bit of sugar and milk to try and soothe my tummy around 4. I also tried four club crackers and a few corn chips, plain, which seemed to help.

Luke brought home groceries about 6:30, and he brought a tomahawk steak (sadly, the idiot at the counter didn’t include the bone that Luke asked to be cut off for the Toot ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ) and a Caesar salad kit among other items.

We ate the salad and drank a small bit of gin waiting for the steak to cook in the oven.

Once it was done, Luke topped it with Bleu cheese butter and we feasted!

Someone waited impatiently and rudely for a bite ….

Which, of course, we gave the nasty little beggar!

Here’s to a happy, relaxed, sleepy Saturday night!

~ M

The Reality of Self Care Through Proper Eating

As many of you know, I’ve struggled with anorexia and bulimia for many years (since I was 15). I’m taking this quarantine time to really focus on positive eating habits and behaviors. Do I need to lose weight? The honest answer is no! I’m at about 157 lbs right now (I’m 5’10”), and while my brain often tells me that I’m fat and ugly, it’s simply not true.

I am a beautiful person, created by the Divine in the image of the Divine, and I need to start caring for myself and loving myself. I need to build self confidence in that area for sure, but admitting to myself that I’m a beautiful soul is a HUGE step. (I’m crying as I type this.) Sure, I had a shitty childhood – many of us with eating disorders do. But I no longer want this to define me as an adult.

I’m going to continue to share my eats on here as it’s therapeutic for me to write about it and take pictures. It’s also reassuring to know that I’m not restricting or being disordered.

4/1/20

Breakfast – an egg, bacon, and cheese tortilla wrap (it was pretty big, and I did share a few bites with Scotch. But it really held me over until lunch).

Lunch happened a little later in the day – a Cheesy Gordita Crunch from Taco Bell (this was a big test for me – fast food has almost always lead to me throwing it up.) I’ve always thought of fast food as being BAD, but truly, not food is off limits if eaten in moderation and with mindfulness.

Dinner – roasted chicken with salad, rice, and broccoli with a bit of cheese (it looks very cheesy, but I assure you it was just a pinch).

4/2/20

On this day, I tried something a little different – I had a smaller breakfast, and it was perfectly tasty and filling.

Lunch was some spaghetti that I made for Luke.

Dinner was baked BBQ chicken, white rice, and salad mix with light ranch. Luke said it tasted like a burrito without the tortilla, so I guess this one was husband approved!

In a strange twist to having ED behaviors, I actually do love to cook, and it brings me joy when I can make my husband a healthy meal that he says is tasty.

Luke is a HUGE help right now – he is encouraging me to TALK to him if I have urges to restrict or purge so we can talk it out before anything unhealthy happens. And once the gym reopens, I plan on lifting weights with Luke again – right now I’ve been walking Scotch for about an hour each day, and that’s my exercise. (Courtesy pic of the Scotcher below – I realize he needs a haircut, but that’s considered a non-essential business right now. Luke also needs a haircut, but again, non-essential businesses are shut and barbers and hairdressers face a huge fine and loss of license if they cut hair.

We’re both also committing to drinking less alcohol. For a while, it was rough there in March. But I’m trying to better myself, and Luke wants to lose a little weight, so cutting back on the booze is yet another way to be healthier. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m trying to drink a lot more water too!

I’ll go ahead and post this post just to put it out there, but I plan on doing daily posts like this one. I’d also like to get back into the swing of painting skulls, as I’ve really been slacking off …. and Hobby Lobby is just too overwhelming to go to right now as well as difficult to stick to the “6 feet away” guidelines (plus I hear it may be closing as the Governor has now ordered non-essential businesses closed).

Here’s to health,

~ M

Gratitude + A Birthday Boy

Hey all! I feel like I need to do a post on gratitude today – I’m grateful for my health, my husband’s health, my job (despite being temporarily closed), my friends, and my family. And, of course, the critters!

Here are a few things that I’m grateful for ~

Drinks on the patio on Friday night with Luke! It was a beautiful day.

Our Nord 2 FINALLY came in after weeks of waiting, and it’s AWESOME!

Mental Health

Okay kids, mental health talk – since my BCBS insurance keeps denying my Trintellix 40 mg, I’m officially off Trintellix. So far, I feel …. okay. I’m intrigued by this as I thought I always needed it, but hey, perhaps I don’t? We shall see in the next few months. Oh, and F-you, BCBS. I’m hoping Vraylar will do the job for both depression and bipolar (it was recently approved for depression).

Food and Weight

I’m going to try to keep sharing my eats on here – my weight went up about 7 lbs since I began social distancing (bored snacking, anyone?), so I’m trying to get back on track. I also cannot wait for the gym here to open again – I miss weights and the treadmill and the elliptical.

Eats 3/28/20

Weight: 153.0 lbs

Lunch was roasted broccoli and carrots with light ranch dressing. I ADORE roasted veggies, y’all. I need to snap up some Brussels sprouts soon too along with some sweet potatoes and peppers. The grocery stores are *slowly* coming back to normal (sans toilet paper still).

Some easy experimentation in cooking on Saturday night! This is my Nan’s oldie but goodie recipe ….

 

Dinner – two chicken thighs with rice! YUM!

Fashionable Musings

I LOVE my new bag strap! I was going to sell this old Brahmin bag, but the brightly colored strap really brought it back to life. ๐Ÿ™‚

I had a FP credit, so I ordered this adorable dress! I love the way that it’s styled here with jeans, but it also can be worn as a dress.

I’m also really enjoying extra time spent with my puppy, Scotch. Mr. Scotch and I have been taking long walks together (sometimes even Luke joins in when it’s not windy!).

Scotch’s 1st birthday is today, and Luke picked him up an early birthday treat! WE HAVE A BIRTHDAY YEARLING ON OUR HANDS!

Til Soon,

~ M